Pain and Questions

Yemenat

Ahmed Saif Hashed

As I mentioned earlier, some of the questions I directed to my mother were simple, yet they opened the door to profound matters. They were straightforward and spontaneous, and answering them might seem easy, as they often involved ready-made and common responses. However, when questions multiplied, we found ourselves facing the complex simplicity of them, and for some, we might not find answers at all, or the answers could become elusive and difficult.

I might accept the responses that seem ready-made, which may deceive me to some degree, or I might feel a twinge of doubt about them. Yet sometimes, they lead to further questions, and my acceptance is often only temporary. My journey with these queries oscillates between certainty and doubt, and at times, from doubt to certainty, depending on the situation.

It is important to note that the questions I posed to my mother were not articulated in the exact words I write here, but in a manner that aimed to clarify their essence, explore their facets, and seek a meaningful proximity that leads to understanding.

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I would ask myself and my mother: Why doesn’t God help me memorize Surat Al-Fatihah as I should? Why doesn’t God create in us a mind that can retain His Quran, or a memory that makes it easy for us to read and memorize, since it is His book and His words?

Then, the questions would multiply, culminating in inquiries about God: What is He like? How did He bring Himself into existence? What was there before Him? I received no answers, only rejection, anger, and reprimands that deterred me from asking again. But those questions continued to linger inside me, restless and unyielding, and the repression only subdued them temporarily.

Sometimes my mother would